i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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