I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
