They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
