I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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