I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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