hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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