It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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