Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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