I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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