two words...techno handjob
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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