Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
