Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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