The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
