If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
