I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
