I'm lost and stupid without you.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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