John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
