I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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