no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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