I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
