I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
