is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
