dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
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