I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
