I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
