i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
