as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
