You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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