When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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