Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
