there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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