We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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