he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
