He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
