i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
