If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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