I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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