I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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