how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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