i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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