chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
