He uses pillows to masturbate.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
