Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
