we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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