walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
