There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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