I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
