I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
