plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
