I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
